


Jazzy's 'How To' Handbook

by BumbleBooty



Series: Tumblr Inspired Fics [12]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Blue is so done, God jazz chew with your mouth closed, Jazz is a little shit, OCs used as Filler Mech
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-01-28 04:16:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BumbleBooty/pseuds/BumbleBooty
Summary: Jazz' adventures throughout the Autobot army. Some are good, some are bad- most are hilarious at the least.





	1. How to: Piss off A Sniper

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post! http://jenn-oddballpunk.tumblr.com/post/167027826268/oldsoulactual-okay-quiet-now-please-and-now 
> 
> This is totally going to become a thing.

Jazz grinned as the group of new recruits listened intently to the medic, and Mirage rolled his optics as his superior's field swirled happily around the monochrome mech. A delicate brow was raised, but the blue and white mech sighed heavily as the sparkling of a mech grinned at him in the most casual of ways. "Wanna scare the recruits?" The towers mech tried not to look interested, but knew he was given away by Jazz' leer. "C'mon. Play along."

The TIC flounced down the embankment, his dutiful assistant trailing along as they stood behind the recruits to listen to the ongoing seminar about gun safety. They seemed to be wrapping up, with Bluestreak showing the proper way to hold a gun for various situations. Ratchet shot a side-eyed glance at the innocently grinning mech, but chose to ignore his third in favor of answering questions from the recruits. 

One femme- this lean little blue transfer- piped up with a rather good one. "Is there anything we shouldn't do to other soldiers? For like, courtesy's sake, or so we don't accidentally anger one?" Jazz lit up. His time to shine. 

"Wheeeelllll~" half the recruits jumped, scrambling away from the magically appearing Porsche. Ratchet just rolled his eyes. "This is Jazz- third in command and a pain in my aft. The blue guy is his assistant, Mirage." Jazz gave a theatrical bow, before grinning in the most non-threatening way he could. "The biggest thing you can do to stay on the good side of other bots- ESPECIALLY snipers, is to _not_ do this."

Faster than lightning, Jazz reached out and twisted a dial on the scope of Bluestreak's gun- ruining about twenty minutes worth of fine-tuned calibration. Bluestreak slowly looked up at the beaming third, and all the recruits we're dead silent. Bluestreak looked down at the barrel of his sight, inhaling deeply.

"The reason you shouldn't do that..." The Praxian said, shifting his grip on his rifle. "Is because I don't _need_ a highly calibrated scope to do  _this_." He lowered the gun slightly, pulling the trigger- firing a round into Jazz' calf and causing the third to drop with a yelp. Ratchet burst out into howling laughter, doubling over to brace himself against his knees.  

The Praxian smirked, and Mirage hid his laughter 'politely' behind his hand. "And believe me, I can do that _MUCH_ faster than you can run." The polite grin stayed in place as Jazz was helped back up, blowing a kiss to the sniper- who ignored him with a flat look. Mirage held his lead's hand to assist with balance as self-repair made quick work of the wound, and the Porsche pouted at the younger mech. Mirage, like a good assistant, had already taken steps for revenge. 

"If you should find yourself within the crosshairs of a sniper's ire, knowledge of social circles can save your unfortunate soul." Many gave Mirage a confused look due to the posh accent, but all were distracted by a pair of Lamborghinis suddenly ramping the embankment- transforming as the Sniper's faceplate flushed blue. "Baby blue! Don't be saaaad!" The Paxian quickly turned, attempting to flee- only to be captured by the red speedster, squealing as he was tackled to the ground. The yellow twin followed closely, jogging instead of outright running, and didn't bother to pounce onto the Praxian. 

Ratchet gave up on trying to stay standing, sitting down to put his face in his hands. With a mission completed, Jazz hobbled off triumphantly- groaning loudly when a summons from Prowl appeared in his inbox. 


	2. How To: Eat Like a Polyhexian.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jazzy tries a new treat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfwgjSMY7Qg
> 
> Give me the raccoon-like Polyhexians. Gotta wash off toxins and shit, ya know?
> 
> To be honest I just took a good bite of a watermelon and thought of the video.

When the newer recruit was notably shaken when he found out that the TIC- the shiny Black and White Porsche- was in fact, _Polyhexian._ As a young Kaonite born at the start of the war, he had heard many horror stories about Polyhexians... How they would _eat_ the bodies of war casualties, _dragging_ them back into the caves they lived in like some earth-based monster story.

He knew it was propaganda though. Jazz was an absolute riot- or at least that's what he had _heard_ \- with a bit of a prank streak- which he had seen the effects of _._

He assumed his nervousness was in the fact he had never actually  _met_ the legendary third. When his unit was brought aboard the arc, he was being punished for an earlier prank. Something about messing with the snipers... _again_. Then again, any mech that willingly messed with  _snipers_ was probably best left to his suicidal tendencies.

He shook his head as he caught his attention drifting, refocusing as he did his best not to allow his attention to wander too much as he followed Sideswipe around with a tray. The speedster had made a new batch of Energon confections recently, and they had finally been approved by Prowl. Now he was going around to give mecha the first official taste-test. If it was popular, it would go on the permanent list for creation whenever Energon levels were high. They had seen a few mecha already, and so far reactions were overwhelmingly positive. 

Sideswipe's grin was threatening to split his faceplate as he held the door open for the trainee. He glanced around, then steered him towards the back table by the shoulders. He was a little concerned when he recognized two mecha who could be the SIC, and immediately recognized the CMO and the Weapons specialist. 

Sideswipe beamed as he had the trainee stop just before the table. He hoped his nervousness didn't show on his faceplate. "Wassup big bots! Ready to try the new Recipeh~?" The unknown black and white with the visor laughed, leaning his helm on his hand. "Absoluteleh~!"

The other monochrome sighed heavily, shaking his helm. Officer Ratchet gave him a sidelong look, muttering about how he ' _told_ him not to buy that game'. The unknown black and white mech leant forward, his visor gleaming as he took two off the tray with abnormally sharp claws. From Ironhide's chuckle, he knew he did a poor job of keeping the fear off his faceplate. 

The mech flashed sharp teeth in a grin, then _dunked one of the cubes in his Energon_. 

Sideswipe laughed as he began rubbing it between his servos while the others gave him amused looks. "Now Jazz." The calm monochrome- who is presumably Prowl, the SIC- shook his helm. "That is  _not_ how you try new goodies." The one he assumed was Jazz gave him a half-afted smirk. "Ya eat yers, Ah'll eat mine." 

After it was sufficiently... cleaned, he popped it into his mouth. The trainee  _knew_ he was watching with a horrified expression as the mech tilted his helm, guiding the treat to it's final destination between the pointed dentae.

He purred as he crunched on it, moving his helm frequently to ensure he didn't choke on the treat. Prowl ate it much more politely, biting less than half off and chewing thoroughly without ever opening his mouth. For such similar frames, they seemed to be so different.

Ratchet and Ironhide both ate the piece whole, but chewed it with appreciative nods. Jazz' purring increased as a wet  _tssssssh_ came from the treat, and he outright trilled when the jellied center gave way.

His glossa flashed out a few times to catch any stray drops of the jellied sauce, before he picked up the second treat- dunking it in his Energon once more. With the praise obtained, Sideswipe guided him around the rec room to offer up samples to the off-duty mecha. 

The final verdict was that the treat would be added to the roster.

The trainee gave Sideswipe a pleading look when he was told to take the extras back to Jazz. 

"He's fine mech, ya gotta get used to 'em anyway. He's just Spec-Ops." 

_That didn't fucking help._


End file.
